DISQUS

Bubbles · 5 months ago

Is that Jim Lahey?

Julian · 5 months ago

Bubbles, calm down. It's not Lahey, okay? Just chill out, buddy.

Have you seen Ricky? He was supposed to drop off a package for me an hour ago.

Ricky · 5 months ago

Fuck off Julian, I'm not an idiot, I gave it to Cory and Trevor an hour ago, they should be there any minute. My brain has a little bit more capacitor than you think...

Raina · 5 months ago

Wow! Just posted a Lahey Reference and didn't think anyone would get it. Should have read the comments first.... Lahey lives.

Chris · 5 months ago

I'm really with him the whole time on this voice mail. I especially like the:

"Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar."

But he lost me with the "Fermilabs" (I believe he pluralized it) reference. Do you think he knows that Fermilab often deals with extremely small particles--i.e., protons and quarks--and as such he associates your "tiny dick" with them? That seems like quite the logical leap for a man of Gary's... uhhh... style.

caitlin · 5 months ago

oh you're giving Gary waaaay too much intellectual credit here. gabe works at fermilab in batavia.

JupiterPluvius · 5 months ago

Oh, poo. So much for my "bison/bipolar" theory.

CB · 5 months ago

Wait, during the "long pause" noted in the transcription of this, it sounds like he's shuffling papers. Possible that he wrote down this speech beforehand? (Also, I'd like to hope that it was written in black and green ink...)

QZ · 5 months ago

He definitely sounds like he is pausing while struggling to read his 'speech'. I imagine Fermilab would be in green, it is his masterpiece.

Rob from the Chi · 5 months ago

I pictured him slugging his beer/drink during the pauses.

Lauren · 4 months ago

Yeah, that definitely sounds like shuffling papers. Plus, he sounds like he's reading aloud from something -- it doesn't sound like spontaneous speech at all. He could have practiced a little more, because frankly, he sounds like a drunken five year old who just learned to read and has trouble getting out his words. Tragic.

Carny · 5 months ago

This recording is very reminiscent of the "Shut Up Little Man!" recordings of Raymond and Peter. So good.

http://shutuplittleman.com/

Sean · 5 months ago

Awesome

Guest001 · 5 months ago

This is amazing! Thanks for posting the audio file.

Kristina · 5 months ago

I'm really offended on behalf of squirrels, actually.

Tajah · 5 months ago

This is too awesome. Just when you think it can't POSSIBLY GET ANY CRAZIER - it does! I've been crying from laughter all day.

Jeremy · 5 months ago

The low-tech solution of putting a microphone to my phone's ear piece has always worked really well for me.

ApocMonk · 5 months ago

This shit is epic. Thank you for sharing.

dave · 5 months ago

you should make that available to download!! (you can do it through tumblr, I believe)

moar · 5 months ago

i say get 4chan to /b/e his new friend....

anonymous · 5 months ago

not your personal army

Breanna · 5 months ago

This was A+. What I loved the most was how we all were able to read along with this audio-post and get the real meaning of the words, the real emotion Gary felt. I REALLY appreciate you for sharing this post.

rachel · 5 months ago

this is probably the greatest voicemail of all time. but i won't be able to remember it later, because of the queer. and bipolar.

G · 5 months ago

Hey, I'm looking for a room to rent out in St. Charles. Gary sounds like a great landlord! You should post his contact info if people want to rent a room from him! :)

Biscuit · 5 months ago

I don't even know you but my friend showed your blog to me... this is by far the greatest thing I have ever heard!

Dawn · 5 months ago

Awesome!

TheGreatZarquon · 5 months ago

BWAHAHAHAHA, you DID get the audio. That was beyond priceless, he's so obviously tanked in that call that it's hysterical.

And the "Fermilabs" line? I laughed so hard that beer went right through my left nostril. Words didn't do it justice; hearing him say it was sublimely hilarious. Someone needs to set that recording to sad, dramatic music.

JT · 5 months ago

Great stuff! Glad I got in on the bottom floor.

And, I totally agree with moar

patty · 5 months ago

You have made another workday go by much quicker thanks to your inbred landlord's antics.
Thank you sir.
Cheers.

Sey · 5 months ago

My favorite part... "kiss my fucking dick"! Hands down best thing ever.

Adam H. · 5 months ago

That was amazing. It really was.

Also, from reading the comments, I see now that the world actually needs *more* people like Gary. Do you see how much glee he's brought to this impromptu gathering of strangers? When I get older, and I'm yelling at the kids to get offa my lawn (oh yes, this is going to happen, as much and as often as I can manage), I am going to make it my mission - nay, my *quest* - to channel the spirit of Gary, so that others may know the greatness that I have seen here.

Empy · 5 months ago

You are brilliant, my good man, and may the spirit of Gary be with you in your quest!

opal · 5 months ago

This is hilarious!

2oonhed · 5 months ago

He's making your case for you.
What a retard.

Bobo · 5 months ago

Gabe , Please see if you can get your case on Judge Judy or Joe Brown. That would make for some fine T.V.

Slane · 5 months ago

So, I'm guessing that you're a dick?

Slane's Penis · 5 months ago

Thanks for finally noticing.

Nuts · 5 months ago

One thing is for sure, you are squirrely. I think he made that clear.

nwhboy · 5 months ago

sounds like hes reading a lot of this
also listen for page flipping early in the message

worldsSmallestViolin · 5 months ago

what did you do to him? there is no way he is that angry for no reason.

Jerg · 5 months ago

TOTALLY AWESOME.

Jesse · 5 months ago

I know you addressed this earlier. I believe that he thinks bi-polar means bi-sexual.

yupdefiniteyapedo · 5 months ago

this dude is totally a pedophile.

yupdefiniteyapedo · 5 months ago

this dude is totally a pedophile.

Andrew Wiebe · 5 months ago

Nice. Now it should be quite easy for you to sue him for the deposit and court costs. Also add charges as well if you are mad enough.

Mark · 5 months ago

....Fermilab.

Cody · 5 months ago

EPIC. I have been laughing throughout this whole store. Way to go.

kronos35 · 5 months ago

This Gary guy seems to be the descendent of San Francisco drunks Raymond & Peter -- as witnessed in Ray's "I Hate All Queers" rant collected on the Shut Up Little Man! CD: http://senduit.com/b50ea0

illiniemags · 5 months ago

That audio clip is begging to be turned into a soundboard.

"squirrelly" "dick" "queer" "fermilab".

latida · 5 months ago

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm guessing you may be able to pile some harassment charges on top of the request for your security deposit. And if you are gay and/or bipolar, you may check local laws on discrimination and so forth. This guy is just asking to pay you money.

observer · 5 months ago

What we have here is a cultural clash. John is simply speaking to you in a language and manner that you are not comfortable with. Maybe he is from New York. You should be more tolerant. Posting the poor guy's private coversations out here is fairly rude. Maybe John is right about you... you are a fucking bi-polar chunk of queer bait.

Have a good one-

the spy · 5 months ago

Did you even read this blog? His name is Gary ... not John.

guest · 5 months ago

tell him to switch to wine, whiskey makes him grumpy.

Nate · 5 months ago

This is Amazing! I want someone to make a movie out of this guy! This would be a cult classic right away.

Scooter · 5 months ago

AHAHAHAHAH read the whole blog, whattta guy!

John · 5 months ago

ohmy god thank you

this is hilarious!

rcran · 5 months ago

Does he say 'Kiss my fuckin' dicks'?!?

Ryan Cummings · 5 months ago

He kind of sounds like Raleigh from the the Sublime album Robbin' The Hood. Semantic blockage.

Daz · 5 months ago

I wonder if he thinks 'bipolar' is just a standard insult because he's been called that all his life?

reading it? · 5 months ago

Is it me or does it sound like he was reading this off paper or something... the long pause... it sounded like he was turning a page there...

Sére Targaryen · 5 months ago

Cool, man... Leaving your threats recorded is just clever... HAHAHA
Bipolar?? Love it

GO GARY!!!! HAHAHA

Jorma · 5 months ago

Mwahahahaha...

Your blog has been added to my RSS feed. THX for sharing!

Raina · 5 months ago

Would anyone know what I was talking about if I said... uhh.... Mr Lahey??

Alice · 5 months ago

He should learn some new and more creative insults besides squirrely bipolar queer dick.

HelloNNNewman · 5 months ago

This is soooo classic!! I'm just down the road from you (Naperville) and am in your area every week for clients. I'm totally passing this site on to my buddies up there (mostly bankers). I'm sure they will love reading this saga as much as I am!!

Eric W. · 5 months ago

I think Gary is probably suffering from low self esteem, social anxiety disorder and a bout with alchoholism. He would probably benefit from an intervention on the Dr. Phil Show.

Cobalt · 5 months ago

So, how did you get the audio from voicemail?

Simon · 5 months ago

Found you through www.b3ta.com/links... keep up these updates, they're great!

thatthang · 5 months ago

He definitley is reading off a script, although it sounds like he imporovises from time to time. Notice how the two fragments "you’re a little fucking … crook." and " You will not receive a ...refund" are both inflected as questions, as if he is struggling to read what he had written. What a psycho.

Gary's twin · 5 months ago

Oh, that's the icing on the cake. Thanks!

T Curtiss · 5 months ago

Wow. Can you file harassment charges?
The way he is shuffling papers and talking- I wonder if he writes this out and then reads it. Unbelievable.

Gary · 5 months ago

What cable from Best Buy did you use to do this?

Rachel Gee · 5 months ago

This man is something quite special, I gotta say.

I foresee somebody making a techno remix of this.

hawaiishoegirlie · 4 months ago

oh my god, I think I just came in my panties..that was AWESOME!!! Better then sex :)

Conor · 4 months ago

I would like to really thank Gary for this little gem. I recited his voice message as a dramatic monologue in an audition. Thanks to Gary, I got the part.

Vanessa · 4 months ago

I think I love you Conor.

Enrico · 4 months ago

Fermilab?
Maybe Gary works at CERN.

TheBladeRoden · 2 months ago

bah, I can't play it :(